Saturday, August 22, 2009

Review: G.I. Joe The Rise of COBRA

Let's get this out of the way - this is one silly film. Silly in the way of '60s era films deconstructed by The Incredibles, played straight. It reminds me strongly of the story lines constructed by seven-year olds when they are playing on the floor with their toys -

"Bang! You're dead!"
"You missed so my guy is still alive!"
"OK, but then the whole place explodes! Whoosh!"

Now some people might say that this is appropriate for a GI Joe film, but with ticket prices what they are, I was hoping for something more. Alas.

Deep silliness. When the ebbil viwans (BWAHAHAHA!) blow up the ice pack over their undersea lair, the huge chunks of ice fall ponderously through the water to crush the base. Falls. Through. The. Water. ICE!!

I have to admit that by the time this happens in the film, you are ready for silliness. So much silliness has preceded it.

  • In the future, Jonathan Pryce will be President.
  • breast accentuating bodysuits
  • decolletage to China for the bad girl
  • kissing (in a film meant for small boys)
  • Dennis Quaid striking poses last seen in green plastic figures


  • Undersea battle as WWII dogfight
  • dialog delivery last seen during the silent film era
  • dodging rocket fire in slo mo
  • Mach 6 aircraft chases down missile over Moscow and then catches missile over Washington DC!
  • trashing Paris

Interestingly, the only intelligent line in the film is delivered by one of the villains, over the issue of human jealousy. Homer did a pretty good job with that, but in this film it just gets blown away. Wait for the DVD, and then don't buy it.

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